lawmom

One of my dear friends was recently married.  While her life with her new hubby is going pretty darned well, she is now past the point of honeymoon bliss and knee-deep in the reality of it all.  Though I’m no expert, I have indeed been married almost 14 years.  Most of my marriage has been wonderful but like every married couple, we’ve hit some tough patches.  I wanted to relay all of this to my friend on a purely humorous level, so as not to completely shatter her view of men, romance and love.  I emailed her and thought to myself–”This would actually make a kind of quirky blog post!”  CAVEAT:  I am definitely generalizing!  Men, feel free to respond with your own viewpoint.  I can take it.  I think. 

1. Men don’t talk.  They really don’t like to communicate on a completely verbal level.  The proof in this is the fearful look a woman gets when she tells her spouse or boyfriend “Honey, we need to talk.” Do not take this personally.  It is in their genetic make-up.  That being said, instead of actually communicating, men “drop hints.”  For example, ” I wish we had more time to ourselves” means “I need more sex.” “So and so’s wife new short hair was a bad choice” which translates to “Please do not cut your hair short.”  Become the “Rosetta Stone” authority on male lingo and you’ll be well on your way to a happier couplehood!

2.  I still have difficult moments with my hubby just in terms of “living well together.”  I like the seat down and the heat down.  He leaves the seat up and cranks the thermostat to 75 at any given opportunity.   I hate that he uses the dryer as his closet.  He hates that I won’t share my shampoo and that I overstuff the garbage bags.  It is very cliche but marriage is a lot of work.  I know that all of you romantics are going to find this very tricky but it is just the way it is.  

3. Men can’t possibly be expected to tell you that you look beautiful every second of the day.  Let’s face it, Ladies. Do we honestly look beautiful in the morning or after a hard workout?  Wait for those precious moments when he tells you that you’re gorgeous because at least when he does, you’ll know he really means it.  

4. Men cannot multi-task.  If your husband is cooking dinner, don’t expect him to throw in a load of laundry.   Women can juggle 10 balls.  Men can generally only manage one.

5.  Women are complicated.  Men are simple.  And I mean this in a good way.  What they say is what they mean.  There is no subtext.  Don’t look for it. My sons are like that as well.  There is no manipulation or drama.  My 7 year old asked me why his 6 year old “girlfriend” seemed happy one minute and angry the next. I told him to get used to it.  

6. Men want your stories or questions in black and white and to the point.  Don’t provide too much verbiage or detail.  If you do, your husband will just tune you out. 

7. Men need time to play.  If playing a video game for an hour or participating in a fantasy football game every season makes him giddy, just go with it.  It is the little boy in him.  Embrace it.  

8. Men mature at a completely different pace. You will sometimes feel like your husband’s mother.  Try to resist.  If anything, take solace in the knowledge that in 5 years, he’ll probably reach another developmental milestone.

 9. If you have to ask for the same favor 10 times, find another way to ask.  I am telling you, if you ask for the same favor and he doesn’t do it for 2 years, he will still think you’re nagging–even though had he done it the 1st or 2nd time, things would have been fine.  

10.  Women get periods.  Women have major hormonal issues.  Your man just needs to accept that.  Trust me, he will never find another woman who doesn’t have at least 2-3 major meltdowns a year–and I think I’m being generous with that figure.

11.(for good measure)  Men can be gross.  From hands down pants to remnant pee on toilet seats, it just is.  For the times when my husband is darn near perfect, I’m willing to put up with the “man-hairs” in the shower. 

Trackback URI | Comments RSS